In our year group, a bi-weekly or even weekly MooMoos has become a tradition, much to the dismay of the first years (they believe Casino’s is better- don’t ask!). It works out perfectly for us; it’s literally around the corner from our house, so we host pre-drinks and the comedown, when everyone sits around in various states of drunkenness and the early stages of hangover to demolish a Ramzeys kebab. While no two nights out are the exact same, you can bank on a few things or people making an appearance at Gillingham’s finest establishment.


1. The predrinks

Your group converges on your house at about 9pm. You've cleared the table for beer pong. Plastic cups are out in force. You all have a great time until someone realises it's 10:50pm and you need to be in the club in 10 minutes to get free entry and a free shot on your guestlist (shoutout to you Chizelle, our saviour!). You round up your group of somewhat intoxicated companions and run to make the queue before it gets too long.

2. The bathroom attendant

What a guy. This man works tirelessly throughout the night to make sure you’re looking your best and smelling your best too. Equipped with his tools of the trade: a pack of kitchen roll, hand soap, lollipops and a cornucopia of aftershaves, this legend will help you freshen up after answering nature’s call. At the low, low price of £1, he’ll dry your hands, give you a lollipop and spray you with your aftershave of choice, all the while reeling off some impressive rhyming couplets. “No spray no lay” and “No cologne, go home alone”, as well as some other choice phrases that are definitely a bit too crude to be posting on a university website. The staple of every night out.

3.The puddle in the smoking area that NEVER DISAPPEARS

Ugh. After 2 hours of dancing and getting pushed around by people in the incredibly crowded third floor, you step outside to get a breather…surrounded by cigarette smoke. You head down to the end of the smoking area, where few people ever stand, and just before you make it to the promised smoke-free land, you’re ankle deep in water. Or at least you hope it’s water. Your new shoes are ruined. Your socks are soggy. You’re too drunk to care.

  1. The older groups

Shouldn’t they be at home watching Countdown or something? Yet for some reason they’re sitting on the sofas by the side of every dance floor, eyeing up people possibly young enough to be their sons or daughters. You exchange an awkward smile and continue on with your night, slightly weirded out but at the same time glad they’re still young at heart.

  1. The sleepy guy

Just go home, mate. This guy will be in the club somewhere; he might be on the sofas next to the oldies, he might be in the bathroom yawning while being attacked with Paco Rabanne aftershave. Or sometimes, he’s in the middle of the dance floor, like our sleepy guy was. He was passed out completely, but standing up perfectly fine. My hero. Please see the attached picture for our favourite MooMoos goer ever.

  1. Aggressive roadmen

You’re having a good time on the first floor, minding your own business and slaying the dance floor. The next thing you know, you’re getting started on by three imposing roadmen in tracksuits. They claim you pushed them, you claim they pushed you. One person in your group fancies himself as the next Michael Bisping and has to be calmed down by the rest of the group before security throw them out. Both groups tut at each other and you continue your nights, slightly wary of an Adidas-cladded boot coming your way.

  1. The Ramzeys

The best bit of the night. It’s just gone 2:30AM and you’re all dog tired. Half of you consider just heading home and turning in for the night, but once someone mentions a visit to Ramzeys, you’re convinced. You walk through the doors and you know you’re going to leave happy and filled to the brim with cheesy chips. You chat with George and the staff, whowork tirelessly throughout the night to make sure you’ve got your fill of greasy döner kebabs and crispy chips. Sometimes he’ll give you a free drink or some extra chips on top just for being amazing. You’re the real hero, Mr Ramzey.

  1. The comedown

So, you have your kebab drenched in burger sauce and with enough chillies on it to make even the most avid spice-lover break a sweat. But where do you go now? Your house is too far. Luckily, you know someone nearby (that’s us). You all convene on their doorstep and eat your kebabs in their living room, normally in complete silence because this is a sacred time. This is Ramzey time.

Ramzeys, roadmen and running to the queue: your night out at MooMoos, mapped